Becoming Dad: Supporting Your Wife and Yourself to Become The Dad You Want To Be
There was a day a month or two after I found out about my wife being pregnant where I was taking a shower. She busted into the bathroom and started saying “It’s a girl, boo! It’s a girl!” I won’t lie, I truly thought and felt we were going to have a baby boy. God said “Nope, you’re going to be a girl dad my friend!”
And what a joy it is. I tell you this now so you know I’m coming from a place of having only raised girls. But, I can imagine that regardless of raising girls or boys, the journey you’re going to undertake within yourself holds a lot of parallels. This isn’t going to be a piece about how to get through the practical things. Everything you read on those things like changing diapers, swaddling, feeding, really just becomes an evolving little dance where you learn your flow, and what works best for your baby. Just like a job, or any real life experience, the doing of that thing is always different from whatever version you read about doing it, or what anybody tells you.
The first thing I felt in my journey was the pendulum of extreme joy of wondering what it was going to be like to meet this new little being I helped create, and the extreme worry of “What the hell am I going to do?”
My hope for you if you’re on this journey, is that you maybe planned for this occasion a little bit. I did not. I planned my life around getting out to Venice Beach on the weekends and playing volleyball with my little courtside family I had found in Cali. I hadn’t really pursued a career with any kind of passion. I was, and still am, a non-believer in giving too much of your life away to a job which cares nothing about you. And at no point in my life, until my wife told me, had I ever truly thought much about having a kid.
So, with all that said, I hope you’re farther along in putting some money away, finding a passion in your life that you enjoy and can support your new little family. But if you aren’t, here’s some proof that you can flounder your way through this journey, and still make it.
The next thing I started grappling with as we went through the pregnancy, was trying to stay connected to my baby. It was really tough for me – Watching your wife’s belly move, and getting a play by play from her is not the same kind of connection or experience that she gets from actually feeling it deeply and being connected 24/7. You’re in many ways on the outside, the emotional support person, who gets to share your wife’s excitement, when in reality, it’s not quite the same for you.
And I don’t have a cure for this. Just the reflection back to you that if it feels disconnected, I felt that too.
I could get in a space of imagination about the future, and drum up visions of what things would look like, and what interacting with my baby girl was going to feel like, but you don’t get all too much for those 9 months. The closest I ever got to genuinely experiencing a connection with my baby girl was singing songs to my wife’s belly, and having the baby start perking up and kicking like crazy. That felt absolutely amazing. She especially loved the song “Break it Down” by Tears for Fears. I’ll always hold a special place in my heart for that song because of her.
Then it comes – time for the baby to make her appearance. The first true experience you ever get with this new little human that you’re going to experience the world with for the next long chapter of your life. It’s magic. It’s worth everything. I’ll skip most of the pregnancy story for now, but just say we waited in that hospital room for 3 long days while my wife was induced. 3 days, just waiting for lightning to strike. It felt like an eternity. And then labor hit, and it’s like game time. The nurses slip into their roles like pro athletes, or studio musicians, and you kind of sit back watching this process go on like one of the Three Stooges. You cheer your wife on, repeating the nurses, or pulling up some line you probably saw in a movie.
“You got this baby!” all the while thinking in the back of your mind “Shit, do I got this??”
And then, before you know it, there’s just this little tiny human in the room with you. And you realize deeply, I have NO IDEA what I’m doing. I have no reference for this. The books didn’t matter. I just have this fragile little being and I’m 100% responsible for her.
Don’t get me wrong, I also felt the absolute most pure and powerful love I’ve ever felt, but I felt completely inadequate for the job I was about to take on.
There we’re some very scary added complications for my wife at the end of that pregnancy. So, I ended up holding my baby girl, while also having this huge fear I was going to lose my wife. That was an intense place to be. Trying to comfort, and take in the experience of my baby girl, when 2 feet away my wife is bleeding, team of nurses around her, and she’s screaming through some of the worst pain ever. Pregnancy, for lack of a better word, is one of the more “real” experiences I’ve ever gone through.
It’s got the beauty and the brutality of life all wrapped up in it.
I’m not sure if there’s anything that will prepare you. I wasn’t the guy who went to the labor support classes, or really did anything too intense as far as preparation. I read quite a bit, and tried to take in all that my wife, family, and friends shared as advice. But, like I said earlier, reading about the job, and getting experience in the job are two completely different things. So if you feel that “Oh shit” feeling too, just know it’s alright, and you don’t have to be a master at something you’ve never done before. I think I took about 3 hours to change my first diaper and swaddle her the first time I tried. Not really, but I definitely felt like a bumbling idiot.
And then, it started creeping in again – That disconnected feeling. Mom is the center of this baby’s universe. Maybe this connection will be a bit different if the baby isn’t breastfeeding, but with all our girls, breastfeeding is what we chose. So there’s this hugely important ritual that is happening all the time to strengthen the bond between the baby and her mom, and you miss out on something similar for yourself. I liken it to the cats that we now have in our house – I largely take care of the dogs, and my wife and girls take care of the cats. And you can see how much more the cats really respond to them. You don’t get that with your baby in the same way, because you just can’t.
There’s nothing that can live up to that time that mom and baby get connected during feeding time. But that’s ok.
You will still get to connect and feel overwhelming love and peace when you get to hold your sleeping, or crying, or content little monkey in your arms. I still remember when a nurse told me to use the tip of my pinky finger (hands washed of course) as a pacifier for her because she didn’t want anything to do with the plastic pacifiers. It settled her down immediately. It’s little connections and experiences like that, that will start lighting you up as you go on. And you will find more and more ways to connect and have meaningful interactions with your baby.
As time goes on, your baby’s other love language really starts to come through… Play. And this is where you get to shine dad.
There’s been a point with all 3 of our girls where the script flips a bit. Right now, our 3rd, is in the middle of it. Dad is who I want to go explore with. When she’s hurt, and when she’s hungry, mom is who she needs, but when those needs are met, it’s like “Dad! Let’s go party!!” That’s when you’re going to really feel your part I suspect, because that’s when I really felt, “Ok, this I know how to do”. The only requirement for this part is you be with her as fully as possible (and keep her away from the stuff that will genuinely hurt her).
So, to kind of sum things up here about my experience. Know that your feelings are totally ok and acceptable.
It’s ok to experience the worry, to project everything out for the next 18 years and feel an overwhelming feeling of how big that seems.
Know that it’s ok to feel disconnected, because in a lot of ways you are disconnected from the direct experience during pregnancy. Know that you’re going to feel the weight of changes in yourself and your wife, and therefore, your relationship too. Know there’s hormones and body changes going on not just in your wife, but in you too (check out The Biology of Fatherhood). Know that there is absolutely no answer or plan to how life is going to look in the future, and that you don’t have to know.
All of it is perfectly normal. Just remember that awareness, openness to these new feelings, and letting them actually move through you is the key here. I had a tendency to live too long in the worry or the anxiety, and I missed a lot of moments because I was lost in my head. The true power, in fatherhood and life, is presence. Are you actually aware of what’s going on? Are you actually listening to and talking to your wife, or are you thinking about something else? Are you actually playing with your kid, or are you pulling up Facebook and just glancing in on them? Are you aware of how baby’s cries, the lack of sleep, or whatever else is actually affecting you? Those wails your baby makes will activate every part of your nervous system.
You don’t ever need to beat yourself up when you catch yourself lost. Just come back, and be aware of what’s happening around you.
It’s an old played out trope, but it does go by quick. It goes by even quicker, and with more regret if you miss it living up in your head and not with your wife and kids. Again, not something to beat yourself up about, just something to remember to pull you back to right now. You’re never going to live this moment ever again, and each one of them is special and monumental in creating the human that you’re going to send out into this world.
So be there for it, and revel in the beauty of it. Experience the pain, and the muck fully. Watch in horror and amazement as your baby tries new things for the first time, and messes up and hurts herself. And then pick her up and give her a push to keep going. That’s what I think being a dad is all about.
And you’ll find when you look back on it, this little human is building you into a new man, and your love for them and desire to be a good dad is the push you need to keep going as well.
For a different look at this time from the standpoint of the relationship with your wife, I have another piece you can check out, The Beauty and Chaos in My Relationships While Becoming a Father.
